'Do Not Disturb'

The joy of watching our children set healthy boundaries

It took me a minute to process what I was seeing when I looked at my daughter's Discord account.

She had 'Do not Disturb' turned on.

Foolishly, I asked her if she knew what it meant, and if she had it on by accident.

She calmly explained - it's almost 9pm, I'm not going to check messages again until tomorrow morning.

Confused, I replied - but you stay up almost all night, wouldn't you want to talk to a friend who called you?

She said no, at night I just want to watch YouTube and relax, not talk to anyone.

Huh.

For some reason, I assumed she'd always want to be available to her friends. And that reason is, I assumed that she was like me at that age.

I didn't have boundaries with friends at 8, 13 or even 25. Severely codependent, I never felt secure enough in myself or comfortable enough with solitude to decline a social invitation.

The violations I experienced as a child, and resulting attachment wound, prevented me from having any concept of boundaries.

But my child has been allowed to choose her own bedtime, to choose her own friends, to choose her own goals and activities, and to choose her own relationship with all the devices.

She has had the freedom to find out what works for her, and my support in pursuing it.

So now, my child has strong boundaries - with me, with herself, with technology and with her friends.

They are not MY boundaries.

They are not an Instagram therapist’s or school teacher’s boundaries.

They are HERS.

And I am so f*cking proud.